I Hope Your Soul Is Changing

I got to 1700 subscribers on my YouTube channel today.

This seems like a huge number to me, but then I realize there are people like Berry with almost 9000 subscribers and suddenly it’s a drop in the bucket. But for someone like me, 1700 is a number I never thought that I would get. I kind of thought I’d top out at about 500 and even that seemed like a ridiculous number.

Last month I did a short video [just over 2 minutes long] that I was pretty proud of. It was a silly video, just done because it made me laugh, but I am so happy that I was able to do it. It took me just over 3 weeks to complete, from conception of the idea to the final edit. People seemed to like it a lot because it wasn’t just me unboxing items or anything like that. It was shared all over Plurk. People who don’t particularly like me even had lovely things to say about it.

I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

It made me wonder about the people who really want nothing to do with me. Did they just mute the plurks where the video was shared? Did they watch it? Were they the ones who disliked the video in the hopes that I would be discouraged by the little thumbs down?

There is this small part of me that hopes that’s the case.

Personal Blog - I Hope Your Soul Is Changing

It’s not that I’m “fueled by my haters” or anything like that. I’m almost 40 years old. I don’t talk about “haters” like some silly teen. There are simply people who dislike me and that is just life.

But it makes me want to keep going. It makes me want to produce more content. Not to rub it in their faces that I’m still here. More like to remind them that I’m not the terrible person that some of them think I am. People change. I’m not who I was 10 years ago. Or 5 years ago. I’m not even sure if I’m the same person I was a year ago. I’m always striving to be better, and never bitter. Do I have my bitter moments? Of course. But I’ve changed, and am changing all the time.

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

These were just thoughts I needed to get out tonight. Everything is fine, really. I’m pretty happy, actually! I love what I’ve been doing on my blog and I love making videos so much. My only problem is that I don’t have the time to do even half of what I want to do. For example, it’s 4am and I’m writing because this is when I had some time, even though I have a video that I recorded almost a week ago to edit and more blog posts to do. But I’m learning balance. Well. Kind of. *laughs* I hope all of you are well, too!

Maypril Update?

Okay, okay, okay. I know. There wasn’t an April update. I actually DID start writing one! Really, I did! But I got distracted and wandered off and then tried to write more on it and got distracted and wandered off and… well, you see where this is going. 🙂

But, April was a decent month, and so far, May has been as well.

You Can Rest, But Never Quit.

(And yes, I’m brunette now. I think that has been the biggest change of the past two months.)

YouTube has definitely been taking up a good portion of my SL time. I have fallen completely in love with livestreaming! I love doing my regular videos, too, but livestreaming is so much more fun because I get to chat with people at the same time. I also have done a couple of videos with people and that was super fun! I’ve always said that blogging is often a very solitary project, but YouTube can be as well. Being able to interact with people in different ways is REALLY awesome to me.

Oh! And earlier this month, I did a live presentation out at the Blogger & Vlogger Network. I just talked about my vlogging experience and took some questions. It was SUCH a good time! I’ll link the livestream to that at the end of this post, just in case you want to see it. It’s about an hour and a half long, but my real talk was just in the first 20 minutes.

Let’s see, what else… Well, I’m working on learning how to do my lighting better in SL for my photos. The picture I have above, that was just one of me trying to play around with windlight and projectors. I have a tendency to just coast along with my pics for a while when I’m doing other things, but you can’t coast forever. You need to always be improving how you do your hobby.

We’ve seen our whole family a little more this month than we have in a while, because birthdays and stuff. I’m happy about that because I love family time and it makes me feel better when people are online. The girls decorated the house and gave me gifts yesterday for Mother’s Day, which was incredibly sweet. And I did a video on landscaping with my sister! You should check that out if you haven’t.

I mean, really… Things are good. I’m super busy with SL and RL lately, but it’s not a super overwhelming busy, thankfully. I am still trying to figure out how to balance everything I want to do in the time that I have to do it, but I am horrible at time management in general, so that would be a struggle even if I wasn’t really doing anything!

I guess that’s it for the moment. Before I get distracted, I guess. *laughs* I will try to update again soon! ❤

(My livestream from the BVN talk, courtesy of Miss Strawberry.

Better Days

Whaaat? Two whole posts in one month? Girl, get out. *laughs* Okay, so the last post was just showing my house tour video, so I guess technically that wasn’t really an update. But who gets technical around here anyway, right?

Better Days

So March has been a LOT better than February, that’s for sure. I kind of figured it would be because of the time change [yes, I’m one of like probably 7 people who LOVE “springing forward” and HATE “falling back”] because for the past 20 years, that’s basically been the case for me. Plus, I cut way way back on my news watching. I pretty much just keep up with just a few news accounts on Facebook now, and of course there is Twitter, which I have been slightly more active on lately. I know it sounds almost irresponsible to not be constantly up to date on what’s happening in the world, but I also feel like for me personally, it was necessary. And yes, I have the luxury of being able to do that. I fully realize that is privilege.

Being that I’m not constantly weighed down with current events and all, my creativity has slowly been returning to Second Life. I haven’t done as many blog posts as I probably should have done for the style blog, but I’m averaging about 2 a week, even though some of those are video posts. It’s not that I don’t WANT to blog more. I just simply haven’t had the time to devote to coming up with a photo. Vlogging, for all that it is more time consuming, is easier for me these days.

And honestly, that is something I thought I’d never say. *laughs* When I started vlogging, it was weird to me. That people would want to listen to me, and see things that I show. There have been bumps along the way, that’s for sure. Being an introvert with extreme social anxiety, the whole “Omg, let me just stop at your house because you showed it and obviously that means you don’t mind visitors” thing that was happening for a while… yeahhhhh. But you have to take the ups and downs, really! The good has outweighed the not so good, definitely, so if on occasion I have to tell someone “Could you not?” Well…that’s just something that has to happen.

So what else? Mmm…I don’t know. Things are fairly good right now. I am attempting to be a tiny bit more social. I am brainstorming new video ideas. I am thinking of more photo ideas. I really want to start making more poses again.

But that will all come in time. For now, I think I’m going to go play a game. ❤

Look in my house!

Hey everyone! So after my last blog post, I’ve been feeling a LOT better. I’ve been making more videos and after a ton of people requested it, I finally got our new house tour video finished!

 

 

It is 21 minutes of me talking and showing the house. I TRIED to get it as short as possible but well, there’s a lot of house. I actually recorded for 45 minutes! I edit for you! LOL!

But I do want to thank everyone who reached out to me after my last blog post. If there is one thing that many SLers know about, it’s the depression struggle. You all are much loved and much appreciated by me. ♥

Uninspired

So this is going to be a rather whiny blog post. Probably, anyway. I really am not sure how exactly it’s going to go at this moment, to be perfectly honest. So here’s a picture of me holding a cup of noodles.

Uninspired

Okay.

So what had happened was… I got sick.

In January, I became pretty addicted to the news. Do you guys remember after 9/11, there were people who literally couldn’t stop watching the news? Like to the point of being almost unable to function because they were so overwhelmed with everything? That was me in January. I wasn’t sleeping. What I was eating was junk because in my mind, I kept thinking “Who cares at this point? What does it matter?” And the news. I ate up every bit of news I could find. I tried to keep it to just a few news sources that I trust, but it was still a lot because everything just seemed bad. I was hurting and others were hurting. And as much as I HATE – HAAAAAATE – to call myself an “empath,” because to me that is something 17 year old overly sensitive girls who collect porcelain fairies call themselves, I have always been the type to take in other people’s’ pain. In my real world, there are so many people who love to be around me because they say that I calm them down. And I’m okay with that, except that calming them down means that I end up absorbing their negative energy.

LOL…and yes, I did just read that sentence back to myself and facepalm. Whatever. It is the truth.

So, all of this was happening. I could tell it was happening, I could feel myself getting overwhelmed and grossed out by people and I was trying really hard to push through it.

That’s when I got a flu shot.

Now here’s the thing. I get a flu shot every year. Usually I get it in September or October. My parents are elderly and my best friend’s child has a heart condition, and that means if any of them get sick, it can get really bad really quickly. So I get the flu shot to try to protect them. Plus, I don’t have the best lungs in the world, so it helps me, too. I have not gotten the flu once since getting the shot and I used to get it yearly. Every year for the past almost 10 years, I have gotten the shot. It never bothers me. I get a tiny fever that evening and by the next day I’m up and running again. But not this time! Ohhhhh no. This time I got sick. Down and dirty sick. The kind of sick I haven’t been in over 3 years. And all I can think is that my resistance was already super low because of the not sleeping and not really eating decently and being in a constant state of stress. I took to my bed with a fever, and I just slept and slept. The only food I could be bothered to eat was applesauce and popsicles and occasionally chicken soup.

For almost two weeks, this went on. I am moderately better now, although I still have a lingering cough, which is super annoying when I’m trying to talk. I get tired a little more quickly than I’d like when I’m up and doing things. But for the most part, I’m healing. And, you know, trying to not gorge myself on the news. *laughs*

But now I have another problem. I am COMPLETELY uninspired in Second Life. I mean, completely. I am so so behind on my blog posts. I am behind on recording. But I am not the “Just get dressed and take a picture” kind of blogger. Not for the past few years. I like to be inspired and creative and it is NOT happening right now. Most evenings, I don’t even want to log in. I just want to sit on the couch and watch tv and sleep. I am not even reading books right now, and that is really odd for me, too. When I do log in, I feel annoyed more than joyful, and I hate that.

I’m not really sure what to do. I don’t want to give up blogging or doing videos or Second Life in general. There is a huge part of me that misses it all. But how do you really get back to it when all you want to do is zone out and sleep?

I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.

A Little January Update

Soooo….January update? *laughs*

The truth is, I’ve had some writer’s block lately. I sit at the desk and I open this blog and I try to write and it’s like… hey, what’s YouTube doing?

Writer's Block

Well, if I’m being honest, I’ve had a creative block altogether. My videos have not been great, mostly unboxings, which are not always THE most interesting. Although one of my videos this month DID almost get 1500 views!! That is pretty big for me. AND I’m almost up to 1000 subscribers!! I cannot even believe. I mean, seriously. I can’t. But I’m utterly thrilled!

So let’s see. What has been going on that I haven’t talked about in videos. Well, we got a new house! Abby had mentioned a few weeks ago that she needed a new room because she couldn’t decorate hers properly. And it was a weirdly shaped room, I’ll admit that. So I went on a house hunt [which I did a video about!] and then I utterly fell in love with a home that I saw. My Birdy actually gifted me the house as a late Christmas gift because, as she put it, “You blog for EVERYONE and you have EVERYTHING except your dream house!” She’s basically the best. ♥

I’ve spent the past week decorating it up and ugh. I love it so much. I do. I loved the crazy boho-ness of our last house. I really let myself go boho nuts in there. This house is a tiny bit more polished, but still with all those special touches that make it homey and cozy. I will be doing a house tour video once the girls have their rooms done a little more. I created custom sleeping areas for them in their rooms, but that’s about all I’m doing. And our bedroom is *just* about done, but I think I need a few more touches to make it just right.

I don’t know, I guess that’s pretty much it. It’s been a heck of a month for everyone, I think. Our offline lives hit us all a little harder than we’d like, but hopefully February will be better. And if it’s not… well hey. It’s a short month.

The End of One Year, The Start of Another.

Happy New Year’s Eve, everyone! Today marks the 9th year of this blog! I started it at a time in my life that wasn’t great, and I wanted to just … start over, be someone else. I don’t know exactly. But what ended up happening is that I became more myself than ever. And that’s a good thing.

But we all know my backstory at this point. If you don’t…I dunno, go watch this video and it explains it all. 🙂

So, 2016.

This wasn’t my Best Year Ever. But it wasn’t all that bad either. On the RL side of things, I didn’t lose anyone, and that makes me enormously grateful. Considering the 2016 that some people have had, the fact that all of my loved ones are still alive is basically the only thing I could have asked for.

In SL, I’ve definitely had ups and downs this past year. But more ups than downs. I love my partner of over 5 years, and he is always so patient and supportive of me. I love my little girls. I love the rest of the family. I love the life we’ve created and I’m so thankful that we’re going into yet another year together.

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

This year in SL, it even took me to a new place – YouTube! I never ever thought that I would be vlogging on YouTube. I didn’t think that anyone would want to watch a random SL avatar doing mostly non-fashion, almost always non-trolling things. But they do! And not only do they watch, they interact with me in a way that I never would have expected. It’s amazing and sometimes a little scary [like when people just show up in our house just to “look around.”] but still something that I am just loving to do.

What astounds me every year is that SL always seems to have something to teach me. Just when I think I’ve learned all the lessons possible, it puts another one in my lap. Not just about photos or how to do things. But just life lessons. This past year taught me that I do have to know where my boundaries are. I have learned when to pull back when I have given as much as I could, and not to try to give more when it is not making me happy to do so. I often put myself last when it comes to what I want because I so badly want everyone else to have what they want first. This doesn’t work in the long run because I become resentful that my needs aren’t being met when it’s my fault that I didn’t say what I needed in the first place. That’s definitely a lesson I’m taking with me from 2016 – for both my worlds.

So what’s coming up for me in 2017? Well, more videos, obviously. I want to learn more about my chosen editing program, and make more content that people will like to watch. I’d like to be more social, and maybe make a few closer friends. Or at least one. *laughs* And of course, I want to keep on with my blogs. Yes, even this one, although I think vlogging will take priority over this blog. I guess I could update this one with my videos when I put them out? We’ll see.

But most importantly… I think I’m going to give myself a rest this 2017. Not take a break. But just give myself a rest from this constant fight I have with my body, and this need to compete against everything and anything. I live my days in this near constant state of anxiety because I’m always attempting to do the perfect things that I feel like I’m supposed to do, and then everything overwhelms me so quickly because I know I can’t control everything. Emotionally, my mind is exhausted. Physically, my body pretty much is, too. Maybe if I were kinder to myself, things that I want to accomplish would just happen in their own time if they are meant to happen. I’d kind of like to find out.

Thank you all for sticking with me this year! I hope you all have a very safe and happy new year’s eve, and just an amazingly wonderful 2017! ♥