Border Town

For the past few days, I’ve been incredibly… disappointed. Frustrated. At times, even downright angry. My anxiety is on super high alert. I started off a livestream tonight physically shaking with nerves. I am crushed that something I thought was going to be good turned out not so good. That things I said were chopped up, or made more dramatic.

But I’m trying to breathe. Trying to breathe so that I can talk to others. Trying to breathe because this is not the first time my words have been used in a way that I didn’t intend, and I’m sure it won’t be the last, and that frightensfrustrates me.

So instead of ranting here, I’ll go another route for the evening. (Or early morning. It’s 6:30am and I can’t sleep.) I’ll tell you all a real life story from when I was 13.

I always wanted to go to Mexico. When I was much younger, I thought it would be beautiful, with amazing food and lively people. After all, I was a Tex-Mex girl and when we got together with my extended family, the Spanish flew easily from their mouths, the Tejano music was loud, and the food was incredible.

When my parents suggested that we take a little side trip to Mexico when I was 13, I was elated! Finally I would get to see how the “real Mexicans” did things. Maybe I would even meet someone who would become a pen pal! (This was the late 80s, we didn’t have email yet. I was also fairly naive because I didn’t speak a word of Spanish so I’m not sure how I expected to get a pen pal.)

Imagine my surprise when we ended up in Piedras Negras, a border town on the other side of Eagle Pass, Texas. It not at all the fun, lively place that I had imagined all of Mexico to be. The music was different. The kids were begging in the streets or trying to sell gum. My mom wouldn’t let me drink any water other than bottled by the time we had gotten even near the border. The Spanish was different, not the Tex-Mex Spanglish I was used to. It felt wrong, and a bit dirty. That day, I also learned the chasm between being a Tex-Mex girl who was brought up in a white suburban world and being one of those border town, gum selling Mexican girls was incredibly wide.

But the thing is, we didn’t spend a lot of time there. We simply wandered around some shops, my parents bought me a doll and some Mexican candy, and we left after a couple of hours. I didn’t get to see much of anything or talk to the girls who were in fluffy dresses and trying to sell me some gum. We didn’t eat anything because my mom was afraid I might get sick. I didn’t get to really know anything about Mexico or its people. I just saw what I saw and let that be my lasting impression of the place I had always wanted to go.

And you know what? That’s fine. Sometimes you don’t really get a place. You don’t understand the inner workings of it because you don’t live there and aren’t immersed in it. It’s not your home and that’s just how it is. You end up thinking of it however you want.

But I haven’t been back to Mexico since. Once in a while, people ask me if I have been and to tell them what I think about it when I tell them that I have been. And I tell them that I don’t feel qualified to tell them anything, because I really didn’t experience it very well.

Maybe one day I’ll visit again. I’ll explore, I’ll immerse myself in its culture, I’ll discover both the good and bad parts of wherever it is I go.

Maybe then I’ll feel like I have the right to actually talk about it.

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Just Stuff, I Guess

Wow. Really, self? The last post in here was in JULY? For god’s sake. LOL

I have started posts every month since July. I have! But I get distracted easily and that’s that.

Soooo… hi. 🙂 Tons of things have happened since July. I am not sure if anyone is really all that interested since I’ve talked about things in videos, livestreams, and on plurk. Is there anyone reading this who doesn’t follow me somewhere else? I highly doubt it. So I guess I’ll just write and we’ll see what I share. That seems to be how I do my livestreams these days. I just talk and whatever I say is what I say.

Quality content, y’all. Quality content.

Last night, we dressed up for Halloween!

The ZomBEES!

We’re zomBEES. Get it?? Bees. With zombie makeup. Zombees! *laughs* Okay, okay. It’s dumb. But we look cute. We have so many Halloween things to go to in the next 3 days. I am not even sure if we will get to them all. But we’ll see what we can do.

Things are mostly good here. I’ve been kind of down the past couple of weeks, which makes getting things done a bit of a struggle. I’m powering through because November is coming and we all know November is not my best month. I’m trying to get better about planning things out that I need to do but I am not sure if I am the planner type since my mood and energy level changes from day to day. But I’m still going to attempt to plan out my weeks. If I don’t meet all the goals… well, then I just don’t. I’ll adjust. I’ll improvise.

But other than that, things are fine. YouTube is going pretty well and I think I might even hit 2000 subscribers by December! I have so many video ideas and not enough time to do everything I want since there are things that I am committed to already. I think for 2018, I might end up dropping a few things and focusing more on the videos that I have ideas for, but we’ll see. It’s helpful that one of the unboxings I do is just a quarterly thing and not every month.

Oh! Did I mention that I won an award? BVN had “The Bloggies,” an awards ceremony that recognized a lot of us in the blogging/vlogging community. It was so fun! To be nominated for anything was such an honor and every time someone told me that they voted for me, I got all kinds of blushy. I didn’t win either one of the categories where I was nominated [best unboxing vlogger and best narrative blog. Strawberry was also nominated in those categories and no way was I going to win against her! LOL] But the BVN team awarded me with BVN Member of the Year! I was utterly shocked and so grateful to them. I didn’t even know that was a category! I am so passionate about this community and doing what I do, and supporting BVN in any way that I can is really just…I don’t know, it just is what I do. But there are so many members of the group that this award could have gone to because they do much more than I do. I love my trophy!

And…since I just got distracted and I started this post 2 hours ago and wandered away from the computer, maybe I’ll just end it here. Thanks for reading, those of you who still keep up with this blog. ❤

I Hope Your Soul Is Changing

I got to 1700 subscribers on my YouTube channel today.

This seems like a huge number to me, but then I realize there are people like Berry with almost 9000 subscribers and suddenly it’s a drop in the bucket. But for someone like me, 1700 is a number I never thought that I would get. I kind of thought I’d top out at about 500 and even that seemed like a ridiculous number.

Last month I did a short video [just over 2 minutes long] that I was pretty proud of. It was a silly video, just done because it made me laugh, but I am so happy that I was able to do it. It took me just over 3 weeks to complete, from conception of the idea to the final edit. People seemed to like it a lot because it wasn’t just me unboxing items or anything like that. It was shared all over Plurk. People who don’t particularly like me even had lovely things to say about it.

I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

It made me wonder about the people who really want nothing to do with me. Did they just mute the plurks where the video was shared? Did they watch it? Were they the ones who disliked the video in the hopes that I would be discouraged by the little thumbs down?

There is this small part of me that hopes that’s the case.

Personal Blog - I Hope Your Soul Is Changing

It’s not that I’m “fueled by my haters” or anything like that. I’m almost 40 years old. I don’t talk about “haters” like some silly teen. There are simply people who dislike me and that is just life.

But it makes me want to keep going. It makes me want to produce more content. Not to rub it in their faces that I’m still here. More like to remind them that I’m not the terrible person that some of them think I am. People change. I’m not who I was 10 years ago. Or 5 years ago. I’m not even sure if I’m the same person I was a year ago. I’m always striving to be better, and never bitter. Do I have my bitter moments? Of course. But I’ve changed, and am changing all the time.

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

These were just thoughts I needed to get out tonight. Everything is fine, really. I’m pretty happy, actually! I love what I’ve been doing on my blog and I love making videos so much. My only problem is that I don’t have the time to do even half of what I want to do. For example, it’s 4am and I’m writing because this is when I had some time, even though I have a video that I recorded almost a week ago to edit and more blog posts to do. But I’m learning balance. Well. Kind of. *laughs* I hope all of you are well, too!

Maypril Update?

Okay, okay, okay. I know. There wasn’t an April update. I actually DID start writing one! Really, I did! But I got distracted and wandered off and then tried to write more on it and got distracted and wandered off and… well, you see where this is going. 🙂

But, April was a decent month, and so far, May has been as well.

You Can Rest, But Never Quit.

(And yes, I’m brunette now. I think that has been the biggest change of the past two months.)

YouTube has definitely been taking up a good portion of my SL time. I have fallen completely in love with livestreaming! I love doing my regular videos, too, but livestreaming is so much more fun because I get to chat with people at the same time. I also have done a couple of videos with people and that was super fun! I’ve always said that blogging is often a very solitary project, but YouTube can be as well. Being able to interact with people in different ways is REALLY awesome to me.

Oh! And earlier this month, I did a live presentation out at the Blogger & Vlogger Network. I just talked about my vlogging experience and took some questions. It was SUCH a good time! I’ll link the livestream to that at the end of this post, just in case you want to see it. It’s about an hour and a half long, but my real talk was just in the first 20 minutes.

Let’s see, what else… Well, I’m working on learning how to do my lighting better in SL for my photos. The picture I have above, that was just one of me trying to play around with windlight and projectors. I have a tendency to just coast along with my pics for a while when I’m doing other things, but you can’t coast forever. You need to always be improving how you do your hobby.

We’ve seen our whole family a little more this month than we have in a while, because birthdays and stuff. I’m happy about that because I love family time and it makes me feel better when people are online. The girls decorated the house and gave me gifts yesterday for Mother’s Day, which was incredibly sweet. And I did a video on landscaping with my sister! You should check that out if you haven’t.

I mean, really… Things are good. I’m super busy with SL and RL lately, but it’s not a super overwhelming busy, thankfully. I am still trying to figure out how to balance everything I want to do in the time that I have to do it, but I am horrible at time management in general, so that would be a struggle even if I wasn’t really doing anything!

I guess that’s it for the moment. Before I get distracted, I guess. *laughs* I will try to update again soon! ❤

(My livestream from the BVN talk, courtesy of Miss Strawberry.

Better Days

Whaaat? Two whole posts in one month? Girl, get out. *laughs* Okay, so the last post was just showing my house tour video, so I guess technically that wasn’t really an update. But who gets technical around here anyway, right?

Better Days

So March has been a LOT better than February, that’s for sure. I kind of figured it would be because of the time change [yes, I’m one of like probably 7 people who LOVE “springing forward” and HATE “falling back”] because for the past 20 years, that’s basically been the case for me. Plus, I cut way way back on my news watching. I pretty much just keep up with just a few news accounts on Facebook now, and of course there is Twitter, which I have been slightly more active on lately. I know it sounds almost irresponsible to not be constantly up to date on what’s happening in the world, but I also feel like for me personally, it was necessary. And yes, I have the luxury of being able to do that. I fully realize that is privilege.

Being that I’m not constantly weighed down with current events and all, my creativity has slowly been returning to Second Life. I haven’t done as many blog posts as I probably should have done for the style blog, but I’m averaging about 2 a week, even though some of those are video posts. It’s not that I don’t WANT to blog more. I just simply haven’t had the time to devote to coming up with a photo. Vlogging, for all that it is more time consuming, is easier for me these days.

And honestly, that is something I thought I’d never say. *laughs* When I started vlogging, it was weird to me. That people would want to listen to me, and see things that I show. There have been bumps along the way, that’s for sure. Being an introvert with extreme social anxiety, the whole “Omg, let me just stop at your house because you showed it and obviously that means you don’t mind visitors” thing that was happening for a while… yeahhhhh. But you have to take the ups and downs, really! The good has outweighed the not so good, definitely, so if on occasion I have to tell someone “Could you not?” Well…that’s just something that has to happen.

So what else? Mmm…I don’t know. Things are fairly good right now. I am attempting to be a tiny bit more social. I am brainstorming new video ideas. I am thinking of more photo ideas. I really want to start making more poses again.

But that will all come in time. For now, I think I’m going to go play a game. ❤

Look in my house!

Hey everyone! So after my last blog post, I’ve been feeling a LOT better. I’ve been making more videos and after a ton of people requested it, I finally got our new house tour video finished!

 

 

It is 21 minutes of me talking and showing the house. I TRIED to get it as short as possible but well, there’s a lot of house. I actually recorded for 45 minutes! I edit for you! LOL!

But I do want to thank everyone who reached out to me after my last blog post. If there is one thing that many SLers know about, it’s the depression struggle. You all are much loved and much appreciated by me. ♥

Uninspired

So this is going to be a rather whiny blog post. Probably, anyway. I really am not sure how exactly it’s going to go at this moment, to be perfectly honest. So here’s a picture of me holding a cup of noodles.

Uninspired

Okay.

So what had happened was… I got sick.

In January, I became pretty addicted to the news. Do you guys remember after 9/11, there were people who literally couldn’t stop watching the news? Like to the point of being almost unable to function because they were so overwhelmed with everything? That was me in January. I wasn’t sleeping. What I was eating was junk because in my mind, I kept thinking “Who cares at this point? What does it matter?” And the news. I ate up every bit of news I could find. I tried to keep it to just a few news sources that I trust, but it was still a lot because everything just seemed bad. I was hurting and others were hurting. And as much as I HATE – HAAAAAATE – to call myself an “empath,” because to me that is something 17 year old overly sensitive girls who collect porcelain fairies call themselves, I have always been the type to take in other people’s’ pain. In my real world, there are so many people who love to be around me because they say that I calm them down. And I’m okay with that, except that calming them down means that I end up absorbing their negative energy.

LOL…and yes, I did just read that sentence back to myself and facepalm. Whatever. It is the truth.

So, all of this was happening. I could tell it was happening, I could feel myself getting overwhelmed and grossed out by people and I was trying really hard to push through it.

That’s when I got a flu shot.

Now here’s the thing. I get a flu shot every year. Usually I get it in September or October. My parents are elderly and my best friend’s child has a heart condition, and that means if any of them get sick, it can get really bad really quickly. So I get the flu shot to try to protect them. Plus, I don’t have the best lungs in the world, so it helps me, too. I have not gotten the flu once since getting the shot and I used to get it yearly. Every year for the past almost 10 years, I have gotten the shot. It never bothers me. I get a tiny fever that evening and by the next day I’m up and running again. But not this time! Ohhhhh no. This time I got sick. Down and dirty sick. The kind of sick I haven’t been in over 3 years. And all I can think is that my resistance was already super low because of the not sleeping and not really eating decently and being in a constant state of stress. I took to my bed with a fever, and I just slept and slept. The only food I could be bothered to eat was applesauce and popsicles and occasionally chicken soup.

For almost two weeks, this went on. I am moderately better now, although I still have a lingering cough, which is super annoying when I’m trying to talk. I get tired a little more quickly than I’d like when I’m up and doing things. But for the most part, I’m healing. And, you know, trying to not gorge myself on the news. *laughs*

But now I have another problem. I am COMPLETELY uninspired in Second Life. I mean, completely. I am so so behind on my blog posts. I am behind on recording. But I am not the “Just get dressed and take a picture” kind of blogger. Not for the past few years. I like to be inspired and creative and it is NOT happening right now. Most evenings, I don’t even want to log in. I just want to sit on the couch and watch tv and sleep. I am not even reading books right now, and that is really odd for me, too. When I do log in, I feel annoyed more than joyful, and I hate that.

I’m not really sure what to do. I don’t want to give up blogging or doing videos or Second Life in general. There is a huge part of me that misses it all. But how do you really get back to it when all you want to do is zone out and sleep?

I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.