Sometimes

One great thing about having this blog and having blogged so much of my Second Life is that I can go back and read things again. One awful thing about having this blog and having blogged so much of my Second Life is that I can go back and read things again.

I’ve been re-reading posts here and there from around 2008. And while some of the things I did or said make me laugh even now, part of me is a bit sad because I miss so many people who are no longer in my life. Especially my friend Cen.

Let me just preface what I’m about to say with this: I love my SLife. I do. I love my family and my home and my blogs and all that. I love doing videos. I am truly happy with how things are.

However… Lately I have just been feeling like something is missing. And I think that it’s that sometimes I miss having a best girl friend inside of SL. Just someone to chat with and laugh with that will be up for adventures and all that best friend stuff. Things like Cen and I used to do for a while.

One of the main reasons that I don’t really have that right now is that my tastes and needs have changed over the years. I don’t like being “super sexy” or half naked all the time. Even though I’m a fashion blogger, I am not super high fashion. I don’t really enjoy going out to troll people. Going to go hang out at “adult fun” venues is not really my cup of tea. I’m not going to be on Skype constantly during the day. And unfortunately, most of my existing friends, which are primarily on plurk, are into all that. Which is fine for them! I’m not saying that it’s not, trust me. It’s just not really for me right now. I would prefer to be with someone who is more family friendly, keeps their clothes on most of the time, who is around my age or older, who enjoys chatting in off and on in IMs or just hanging out in world but doesn’t go AFK every 2 minutes when we’re having a conversation, who isn’t constantly talking about how they “give no f*cks”, and who isn’t overly clingy or needs a ton of my attention.

*laughs* Geez, I don’t ask for much, huh?

I don’t know. I like friendships to develop organically and unfortunately, I tend to be very shy and I don’t really put myself out there that much. Maybe I’ve simply forgotten how to be a good friend in SL? I’m not the type to always be in someone’s IM or even need daily interaction and … I don’t know. Maybe that’s wrong?

Bah. I’m getting emo for no dang reason. 🙂

Honestly, I am very happy with my SLife and the people in it. I was just having some “I need a friend” thoughts over the weekend. It’ll pass.

Don’t Have To Convince Myself To Believe

So I’ve had some people asking me about how our Heritage panel is going for us. Well… We met the girl that I wanted. She is delightful and sweet, but unfortunately at this time, probably not a good fit for our family. At least, not as a daughter. And yeah, I’m slightly disappointed about that.

I kind of feel disappointed in myself in how I feel, which is nuts. *laughs* I had told myself over and over to NOT get my hopes up too much. I told myself that there were a billion reasons why this wouldn’t work before I even met the girl. But I guess there was that [very naive] part of me that couldn’t fathom that someone wouldn’t work as part of our family if that’s what I wanted. After all, the 2 times we’ve adopted before worked out beautifully!

But, it’s not going to work with this girl. Not right now anyway. And it’s a shame because she had so many qualities that I was looking for when looking for another kid to call ours. Our family simply doesn’t work for everyone, and I understand that, even though I think that we have loads to offer. 🙂

I’m not sure if we’re going to keep looking for now. I mean, this whole thing really was just because I liked this one girl’s panel, not that were actively looking for another kid or anything. I don’t know. I guess I can let it run for the 20 days and see what happens. But if you guys know any super cute, smart, preferably blonde, sassy little girls who like shopping, Skype, and plurk… let me know. *laughs*

Doubts and Wagons

We’re still rollin’ full steam ahead on the camp train! On Saturday, there was a party for all of the camp staff. It was a toga party and my sis decorated a really beautiful setting for us. The party was mainly a “Get to know you” thing, which I liked because seriously? I don’t really know these people. *laughs* I mean, I’ve run into them here and there and seen them on plurk, but I don’t actually know them. We took a group picture near the end of the party. This isn’t everyone, since everyone couldn’t come, but I think it’s most of the staff.

I also realized why I don’t take a lot of photos of other people. I have this need to control where everyone stands and how they stand. And well…I wasn’t in control of this picture. Although I did get them to move the pig [who is actually a person] so…there’s that. I’m too used to taking pics of just myself, I think.

While I am excited for camp, I’m starting to worry a little about it. As an introvert, I need quiet time, even in SL. And I don’t want to be the counselor who keeps running to the platform to get away from people. *laughs* That would be so rude!! And camp is very immersive, which I am most definitely not used to. I dunno. I guess I just don’t want to screw it up and make the kids have a bad time.

I know most of my doubts are probably for nothing. I’ve just been in a mood the past few weeks. But there’s also that part of me that is always worried when I do something new for the first time. It’s the bad part of being so competitive for no reason. I want to be immediately good at things and not knowing if I will be really gives me a lot of anxiety.

I guess I shouldn’t worry too much. I’m sure everything will come together once we’re actually there.

But I do keep teasing the girls that I’m going to be taking my Homeless Kids Wagon to fill it up at camp. The veteran staff members keep saying that almost everyone comes away from camp with one kid. If my wagon can hold Aldwyn, think of all the littles I can fill it up with!

Are views actually everything?

Now let me just say that this is JUST my opinion and I’m not trying to tell anyone how to run their businesses or events. I obviously do not run a business or an event, so what do I really know? But I do have something to talk about that’s been bothering me a lot for the past few weeks.

I’ve been a blogger in SL for a long time. I’ve been lucky enough to have had the chance to blog for some AMAZING people and events. I am almost a 6 year old fashion blogger [6 years next month, officially!] and let me tell you – in SL years, that’s a long time. I don’t consider myself one of the “top bloggers.” Years ago, a designer friend of mine mentioned that he was so excited to be blogged but a “top blogger,” I think it was Berry or Gogo, despite the fact that I’d been blogging him faithfully for a while. *laughs* But I hold no delusions that I’m at the top of the blogger mountain and I’m kind of okay with that considering that it seems like an awful lot of work and responsibility. I don’t have “sponsors” because people with “sponsors” seem to be crying all of the time when they can’t blog for a day because the “sponsors” are breathing down their necks. I simply blog as the mood strikes, when I have fun things to blog, and I blog for some wonderful events and some lovely people who are kind enough to allow me to blog for them. I know how lucky I am. Believe me, I know.

But there’s this thing that’s happening lately and I don’t like it. It seems like every event or store looking for bloggers now suddenly require 500+ flickr views per photo. When the heck did THAT happen? When did having more Flickr views = more sales?

Because see, here’s what’s happening. People are adding loads and loads of contacts in the hopes of getting a follow back so that they can get a photo view. And not only that, but people are re-upping their Flickr pics to get more views. Not just once, but SEVERAL TIMES. So you might end up seeing the same dang picture 12 times in 2 days because they’re trying to get those views. And oh my god, it’s annoying. Everyone is annoyed by it and usually end up taking back their faves or just unfollowing the person. I watched a girl that I had recently followed repost a fairly plain photo about 7 times in 2 days. She got over 600 views, but I don’t know exactly what she was showing and I ended up just unfollowing her. Because I don’t have time to keep seeing the same photo on flickr over and over. I barely can keep up looking at the new ones as it is.

I get wanting to have more publicity for your event or item. I really do. But it’s making Flickr completely not fun. And I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m not rushing out to purchase whatever someone who re-posts their picture 18 times is showing. Most of the time, I don’t even know what’s being shown. All I know is that I’ve added over 300 people in the past week, have gotten maybe 100 following me back, and my pics are only getting maybe 50 more views on average. And I don’t think my photos are that bad.

Is this what it’s going to come to? That it’s no longer about how good your photos are, or how well you write, or that your blog readers actually buy what you show? It’s knocking a LOT of really decent bloggers out of the running to apply for things because they don’t meet the Flickr view quota because they refuse to repost their pics 12 times or add everyone in sight just to get a view. It’s frustrating. Yes, I do still shop, but I enjoy being a blogger for stores and events that I like because it’s really fun. It’s always been really fun to be “behind the scenes” in a sense.

Again, I don’t run a business. I don’t organize events. Maybe knocking some of the bloggers out of the running because there are others who get more Flickr views doesn’t hurt anything.

But then again, maybe it does.

The Place I Love

Ooh I’ve been a bad blogger in this blog this month. Sorry about that! I’ve actually started a ton of posts but by the time I get around to finishing them, I figure “Who cares about this?” Although why I care what other people think about this blog, I don’t know. It’s just where I write randomness. 🙂 But I’ll have more posts next month because the family is going on vacation again! Woo!

This past weekend was a super busy one for me. Actually, since Wednesday, I’ve been in SL maybe 3 hours altogether. I got SUPER sick Wednesday night while doing a photo. I have no idea what happened. I just suddenly had a fever and uncontrollable chills. I hate being sick, so of course I was a super grump for days even though really it was just that one night. Then Saturday I was out all day and I fully intended on logging into SL that evening, but MORE RL stuff came up and we spent the night cleaning because we were going to have people over yesterday. I figured that it would be over early enough that I could get back in world but it was not.

For most people, not logging in for a few days is probably not even a big deal at all. But SL is where I go to relax and it helps with my anxiety, so it was nice to wake up this morning and head in for a few minutes.

My RL is not as chaotic as it used to be. I’m VERY blessed that it is not because I know it can change in an instant. Unfortunately, my brain doesn’t calm down in the calm times. I’m forever waiting for something bad to happen. I know that it’s not the right way to be, but well…tell that to my brain. *laughs* Being able to be in SL, even if I just have 5-10 minutes alone to look at the sim, it makes such a world of difference to me. It’s actually better than any medication I’ve been on, which is kinda cool.

Now that all the sickness and craziness of the past few days is over, I can go back to what is normal for me, and I like that quite a bit. I miss my SL family and I’m THRILLED that next Monday we’ll be heading for our vacation!

But it’s time for me to get up and go do some stuff. Groceries gotta be bought, clothes gotta be washed. 🙂 I feel better now that I’ve blogged, too. Writing in a blog is really the best kind of online therapy for me! I’ll try not to go so long in between posts again. ❤

I’m Off Again In My World

I’m late with Berry’s new meme, “Second Life Made Me Learn…” I’ve been thinking about it since Monday, actually, but with the switch to WordPress, building our yard sale area for The Arcade, and various other things, I just haven’t gotten around to writing. But tonight I’ve got some time to really put into words things that I’ve thought about on this topic.

It would be really easy to list the basics. Second Life made me learn Photoshop, a program I had barely heard of before, much less used. Of course, I still don’t really know what I’m doing in it 99% of the time and I’m just pushing buttons. SL made me learn how to use basic DJ software and how to keep a party at least somewhat active. SL made me learn how to be a better writer because we live in a world where appearance is easily changed so what we say is what matters.

But it goes further than that for me. After all, I’ve been here a long time and had many experiences. If I hadn’t learned more, I’d be disappointed in myself.

SL has taught me that it’s okay to just be me. This was a lesson that was not easily learned. I spent a lot of time and energy in my early days wanting so badly to be someone else, someone better, someone who could be everything to everyone I met. I was dealing with a lot of grief that was tearing me apart little by little. I was hurting badly before I came here but pretending so damn hard that everything was okay. I read old journal entries from the year before I was introduced to SL and it’s so apparent that things weren’t right. I was drinking too much, making very unsafe choices, and I was obsessed with things that weren’t good for me. I came to SL and I thought, great! Here is a chance to be someone that I’m not! For a couple of weeks, I’ll play this game where I can just be whatever I want and it doesn’t matter what other people think.

This was my mistake.

But in the past few years, I’ve just been me. SL has taught me that if I feel someone isn’t good for me, I don’t need to devote my time to them. If I love someone, I can let them know. They’re not required to love me back, but I can still care about them without requiring anything more from them. If someone says they love me, I don’t have to reciprocate if I don’t feel it. If someone hurts me, I have the choice of forgiving them and then letting them go, or forgiving them and patching up our friendship. If I hurt someone, I can apologize and hope they accept it. Sometimes they will not and that’s okay. Friendship isn’t about what someone else can do for me, or what I can do for them. It’s about how we make each other feel. Positive people bring out the best in me. I’m not required to be someone’s entertainment or someone’s fantasy. If I have a bad day, I can tell people without the fear that they’ll turn their backs on me until I have more to offer them.

Second Life made me learn how to accept myself.

And now that I’ve done all this thinking, I can go back to squealing over the lovely Arcade vendor ads. That’s another thing SL made me learn. I’m EXCEPTIONALLY girly and if you make something pink, sparkly, and put a bunny or a butterfly on it, I’m going to do anything to make it mine. *sighs*

You Can’t Make Old Friends

I had a lot of things I could have been doing tonight while my family was off doing other things. But I mostly just sat around, looking at profiles of people on my friends list. There are people that I will never ever delete because I’ll never be able to get them back on my list.

It’s funny, but when things are quiet and I’m alone in SL, my thoughts always drift back to Cen. I still miss her. It’s been 6 years now since she left SL and I still miss her. I miss the easy friendship we had. We were always in IM with each other when we were online, no matter what we were doing. I think we probably saw each other if not daily, then every other day. It was easy and fun and I miss it. I wonder what she would think of all the changes in SL over the past 6 years. When she left, mesh was still 2 years away from making its appearance on the grid. Gacha was something silly you stumbled upon in small Japanese stores. Stores happily gave gifts to not just their free group members, but to everyone by just placing a box at the front door. Our whole group of friends were still strong and together. Things have changed a lot.

But, that’s the way of the world. Things change, people leave. I don’t even know that we’d still be friends if she had stayed. I know my priorities in SL definitely changed over time and I’m sure hers would have as well. It happens. But if she ever came back to SL, I’d hope she’d look me up.

It’s late and I think I’ve reached Grey’s Anatomy saturation point [I’ve been marathon watching for days], so I think it’s bedtime.

Dia de los Muertos

Today is November 1st, so that also means it is Dia de los Muertos. I find that a lot of people kind of think of it as Halloween 2: Sugar Skull Boogaloo. And yes, there are skulls, but it’s not just a day to dress up again. On this day, you think about those who have died, pray for them, and celebrate their lives.

Although we are partying tonight, I wanted to take some time to remember those I have lost.

I don’t make it out to Renee’s garden as often as I did in the months after her passing. I don’t know why, really. I guess in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. It’s not as if she, and all the people I have lost in my life, are ever very far from my mind. But it was nice to have a few moments there in the garden, just to think.

The party starts in about 30 minutes, so I better get back in world to get ready. ♥

Day 362 – Sisterly Bonding

Today was the first day that the girls have really been able to go out and do things together. There was LOTS of shopping done! Brianna recently moved to the Toddleedoo mesh body so naturally she needs a whole new wardrobe. And Abby is a big shopper, so she got to take her to some of her favorite places for new clothes!

Definitely my favorite part about their sister bonding day was just listening to their conversations as they hung out in Abby’s room and opened packages and traded gacha items. They’re really super adorable.

I’m really loving having another kid in the house. You know, when Abby brought up the question of having a sibling, I wasn’t 100% behind it. I mean, I wasn’t against it, but I was iffy on it. I was worried about how it would change our family dynamic, I wondered if I could care about someone else, I was terrified we’d end up with someone who would hurt the family. But I don’t worry so much any more. 🙂 Brianna is a polite, nice girl with a great sense of humor and we all like her more and more by the day. She seems to like us, too, so who knows how much longer the trial will go. No one is rushing because there’s no need, and that’s pretty cool.

I have a monster headache right now, so it’s time for meds and sleep!

Day 243 – The Bucket List

So Miss Berry had a SL Bucket List meme for this week. And I wasn’t going to do it because I kept thinking, “What else do I really want to do in SL? I’ve done lots of things!”

But many many years ago when I used to go to leadership training camps, one day the instructor told us to reach up as high we possibly could. So we did. Then he said to reach higher. And we did. He said that if we had REALLY reached as high as we could the first time, there was no way we could have reached higher, therefore no matter what we did, we could always figure out a way to do even more if we really wanted. That always stuck with me. So while thinking about this meme, I realized there is more that I want out of my SLife.

The Bucket List:

1. Get better at Photoshopping my pictures. There are so many wonderful graphic artists in SL and when I see their pics on Flickr, I always think, “Why can’t I do something that amazing?!” The truth is, I could, if I put the time into learning how to do it.

2. Make something in mesh and have it not look crazy. I have Blender. I have several tutorials. I have a brain. Granted, it’s not a very techy type of brain, but it’s a brain. If some people I know could learn how to do it, I know I could, too.

3. Finally get a family in SL. I know I have my husband and all, but I feel like we need more people to be close with. I want sisters, brothers, the whole nine yards. I’m still flip-floppin’ on the whole adoption thing, but I think that’s because my RL is a little stressy right now and I tend to only think about adoption when I have more time to devote to SL.

4. Help out with an event. I don’t want to RUN a whole event, but I’d like to help out with one as more than just a blogger. I got to kind of help a bit with The Shoe Expo back in 2010, which was really fun because that was like, MY event, but I didn’t do a whole lot for it besides blog towards the end.

5. Get into a couple of blogger groups for certain stores. NOT saying which ones!!! :-p But there are a couple of stores where I think I’d cry if I ever got invited to be an official blogger for them. Even better would be if they invited me without my having to apply. I just want them to see what I do and like it enough to want me!

6. Go to more than 5 parties in one night and actually have fun at them. My record for party hopping in SL right now is 3. So um, some of you need to have more parties so I can come make an appearance.

7. Do an AO-less run across more than 12 mainland sims. I don’t know why I want to do this. I just do. LOL

8. Go to a really good live show and not mute 75% of the audience for being gesturbating attention whores. Do I need to explain this?

9. Have more than 5 really gorgeous things named specifically after me. My friend Kellee made a ballet outfit years ago and named it for me. My friend Ewan named one of his latest creations for me. So I just need 3 more things!

10. Host and DJ a party so spectacular, people talk about it for a full year afterwards. I don’t think I need to explain this one either. I think I’ve had some pretty impressive parties, but I want to have the mother of all parties one day!

Ten things for now, but I’m sure I could come up with 10 more if I thought about it. There’s always more to do!