I Hope Your Soul Is Changing

I got to 1700 subscribers on my YouTube channel today.

This seems like a huge number to me, but then I realize there are people like Berry with almost 9000 subscribers and suddenly it’s a drop in the bucket. But for someone like me, 1700 is a number I never thought that I would get. I kind of thought I’d top out at about 500 and even that seemed like a ridiculous number.

Last month I did a short video [just over 2 minutes long] that I was pretty proud of. It was a silly video, just done because it made me laugh, but I am so happy that I was able to do it. It took me just over 3 weeks to complete, from conception of the idea to the final edit. People seemed to like it a lot because it wasn’t just me unboxing items or anything like that. It was shared all over Plurk. People who don’t particularly like me even had lovely things to say about it.

I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

It made me wonder about the people who really want nothing to do with me. Did they just mute the plurks where the video was shared? Did they watch it? Were they the ones who disliked the video in the hopes that I would be discouraged by the little thumbs down?

There is this small part of me that hopes that’s the case.

It’s not that I’m “fueled by my haters” or anything like that. I’m almost 40 years old. I don’t talk about “haters” like some silly teen. There are simply people who dislike me and that is just life.

But it makes me want to keep going. It makes me want to produce more content. Not to rub it in their faces that I’m still here. More like to remind them that I’m not the terrible person that some of them think I am. People change. I’m not who I was 10 years ago. Or 5 years ago. I’m not even sure if I’m the same person I was a year ago. I’m always striving to be better, and never bitter. Do I have my bitter moments? Of course. But I’ve changed, and am changing all the time.

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

These were just thoughts I needed to get out tonight. Everything is fine, really. I’m pretty happy, actually! I love what I’ve been doing on my blog and I love making videos so much. My only problem is that I don’t have the time to do even half of what I want to do. For example, it’s 4am and I’m writing because this is when I had some time, even though I have a video that I recorded almost a week ago to edit and more blog posts to do. But I’m learning balance. Well. Kind of. *laughs* I hope all of you are well, too!

Randomly Annoyed

I’m annoyed today. I woke up annoyed and now, hours later, still annoyed. And by nothing in particular. Just everything. I logged in to try to get a blog photo done and I just can’t do it. I’m too bothered by life in general today.

So let’s just do an edition of “What non-problem problems do I have today?”

1. My RL is gray. It’s been gray and slightly rainy off and on for a few days now. I hate rainy days that last too long and I hate not having a lot of sunshine.

2. I forgot to buy cream yesterday, and I hate black coffee. Not that it matters because I’m all out of the coffee I prefer anyway and all that’s left in the house is coffee I don’t want to drink because it’s gross.

2b. I’m also out of eggs, so breakfast was a bust.

3. I love being a blogger but I hate this new trend of “Send me a notecard with your posts!” “Here’s a google doc to write your posts in!” “This is required blogging or you’ll be kicked out of the group that I invited you into and didn’t have rules before but now I do!”

No.

I love to blog and I adore the people who allow me to blog for them. But this is not my job. When it starts to feel like a job, I lose interest in blogging that store. I understand post requirements, like 2 posts a month or something. But not all these extra things. Either let your bloggers do it how they want or just do it yourself. Obviously you picked these particular bloggers for a reason. Let us do our thing. You will get more posts out of it that way.

4. No one ever just does what I want without me specifically having to tell them to do it. I’m not complicated. Just… be cute, have fun, and do stuff on your own without me having to say things.

5. I like my new head now but I don’t like that so many of my old hairs don’t work anymore because of my stupid ears and the hairs are rigged so I can’t even mod them to get hair out of my ears. I don’t want to have to buy mesh ears just so I can move them around for my hair.

I should probably stop complaining about life and go get coffee. And god help whoever gets into my way today.

So Much More

You know, it’s kinda funny. I’ve been blogging for…well, years and years. This blog is 8 years old and my style blog is almost 7. I have a small, but pretty dedicated group of readers on both blogs and I’m happy like that. I’m not a “top blogger” and very rarely does someone suggest people look at my style blog when wanting to know what’s in fashion just because my style is not really what’s IN style as far as SL goes half the time. I’m rarely “sexy” and never all out naked and I’m happy that way, too. I blog because I just like doing it and half the time, I don’t feel like anyone’s really paying that much attention.

But sometimes… sometimes I’m proven wrong and it makes me cry! *laughs*

Collabor88 is looking for new bloggers. If you remember, I was one of the original bloggers for that event and then left it in 2013 for…well, I had my reasons. But I have always kind of regretted it and I was thrilled to see that they were looking again. Only this time, instead of just filling out an application, they’re doing kind of a photo contest for the spots. And the phrase “photo contest” fills me with so much anxiety!

Let me just make it clear: I am not unhappy with my photos lately. I feel like they’re about the best they’ve ever been [most of the time] and I enjoy taking photos for my blog and learning new tricks to try to make them not suck.

But again, photo contests scare me. I am extremely competitive most of the time but to place my photo among other people who are REALLY REALLY GOOD? Scary!! So I had a teeny tiny sadness on plurk and asked people to just tell me I’m good. *laughs* And much to my surprise, they did. But they didn’t just give me hugs and say “You can do it!” A lot of them told me exactly WHY they feel that I’m good. Not just on plurk, either. They actually took the time to write me on why I should enter.

It was more than I expected. It was so much more than I think I deserve. And it made me cry happy tears because people that I admire said the nicest things to me in such a genuine way. And it made me realize that when I do my photo for this blogger contest, no matter if I get chosen as a blogger or not – I’ve already won something far more important. ❤

Anyway.. in other news. 🙂

Tonight we’re having our traditional family OZ Valentine dinner and party! I’m trying to get ready early so that at the last moment I’m not rushing around like crazy trying to figure out what to wear. Tomorrow night, we’re having an all adult Valentine party and I STILL haven’t figured out what to wear! I guess that’s my mission later if I have a moment!

Girl, Get Your Bloggin’ On

So my Birdy has been talking for a while about wanting to blog. She and Abby have a blog already, but sometimes you just want your own thing. I have worked on collab blogs before and it almost always felt weird to me given that either I felt like I was taking over, OR I felt like I wasn’t contributing enough. So when she said she wanted her own, I totally understood.

We spent some time last night setting up her new blog, Sunflowers and Coffee Cups. It’s cute, huh? 🙂 It was great to show her how to do a few things and watch her excitement as she posted her first post. She’s blogged before, of course, but it is different when it’s your own thing. But she is in RL school right now, so don’t expect very frequent updates. Or at least, so she says. She could catch the blogging bug and post a billion times. *laughs* It happens!!

I never thought that I’d still be blogging after so many years. Especially not fashion blogging! I also can’t believe that I still love it like I do. Oh, I’ll admit, sometimes I get worn out. I think all of us do, especially those of us who have been doing it for sooo many years. This May makes 7 freakin’ years that I’ve been fashion blogging. That’s a lot of fashion, man. *laughs* But I love it. And I love this blog where I can just ramble and for some reason, I still have readers. I love that I can go back and look at old posts and remember all the feelings I had on those days. Like, did you know that on January 11, 2008, CeNedra contacted me for the first time? She was the reason for so many good things to happen in my SLife. Same date in 2010, I played Dragon Age: Origins for the first time, and that really opened me up to a whole new world of video games. 2013, I was fairly lonely when Aldwyn wasn’t around. 2014, we had Abby and I was a mom. And all of those things I get to experience again, just be re-reading my blog. It’s really nice.

But writing has its price. Like I am now completely behind schedule and only have an hour to get all ready to go out with my RL bestie. Bye!

Celebrate endings – for they precede new beginnings.

And so we come to the end of another year. 🙂 We also come to the 8th anniversary of this blog. Hard to believe, huh? I started this blog out of desperation, honestly. So many things had changed in such a little time. I was so desperately trying to change my life – both first and second. I wanted to be someone better. Eight years later, I think I’ve achieved that. Or at least, I’m not as bad as I was then. I no longer feel useless, or sad, or like I’m a disappointment to anyone. Could I be better? Of course. We could all be better in some way. That’s just part of being human. But I feel good and I love this journey that I’m on. Yes, it’s a journey. We don’t reach the end. We just keep moving forward.

I spent the evening with my family and a few of our close friends. It was the 7th annual New Year’s Eve Eve party. It was a much more low key event this year, which is how I wanted it. Not that I don’t love big parties or anything but you know how it is. Sometimes you just want to be in your bubble. And it really was exactly what I wanted. Lots of music, laughter, and silly conversation. Perfect!

2015 has been a pretty great year for me in SL. I feel like my photo skills have gotten better. I definitely want to learn more on how to make things look better next year. Now that I have the new video card, I feel like if my pics aren’t good, I can’t blame the computer anymore. *laughs* Now it just is up to me getting better skills!

My family life has been amazing this past year. I really kind of feel bad that I didn’t blog as much in this blog because there were so many things that we did that I didn’t really talk about. So that’s definitely one of my SL resolutions for 2016. More blogging in here about my SL and definitely more pictures of the family. And of course, part of what made 2015 so great is that our Oleander side of the family moved to Bluebonnet! That really was one of the major highlights of my SL this year. I love that we are all together on the sim. Bluebonnet has always been my SL home, but it is even MORE of a home now that we are all together.

I hope that 2015 was good for all of you! Thank you so much for sticking with me in my very sporadic blogging over on this blog. I know that some of you enjoy my SLife stories more than my style blogging, so I do appreciate it that you still read me for whatever reason you have. 🙂 If 2015 wasn’t too hot for you, well, hey, the year is over! It’s time for a fresh start and 2016 can totally be your year! If you go out for New Year’s Eve, please be careful because I want to see every one of you in 2016! ❤

Hashtag DearMe

YouTube has been doing this pretty cool thing with women called #DearMe where the ladies all give advice to their younger selves. I’m not on youtube or anything, but I thought, hey, why can’t I give my younger avatar advice? It’s been over 8 years since I first came to SL and I’ve learned stuff! So I’m going to write a letter to myself on the day before I started SL in 2006.

Dear Me,

Tomorrow you’re going to do something. You’re going to join a world unlike any you’ve been to before. You’re going to think it’s like The Sims, but it’s not. You’re going to think that you’ll only be there for a couple of weeks, but you won’t. What you’re about to do is going to seem like no big deal but in fact it will change your entire life forever.

You’re going to learn so many lessons and I want you to pay attention to each one. You’re going to hurt people. This doesn’t make you a bad person no matter how much people tell you that you are a bad person. You’re going to be hurt by people and this doesn’t make you a person who deserves the hurt. It’s life and it happens. When you apologize to certain people, they won’t accept it. You’ll learn that it is not your problem if they do not. You don’t need to beat yourself up. On the night things explode, you do not need to hurt yourself.

Because you know what? All of the hurt and the lies and the disappointments lead to something better. Oh my god, do they lead to better things!!

You’re going to do something that is hard. You’re going to start over by yourself. But you’re going to meet people who have started over, too. Those people are going to teach you that being yourself is the best thing to be. They aren’t going to judge you for your past but they will love you for the person you become. I won’t say you won’t hurt again. You will. But that is how things are and you will learn so many things from your mistakes!

What I want to tell you is to not be afraid. You’re going to meet some of the best people in the world, people who will make you feel loved every single day of your life. You’ll learn skills that you never would have learned in an office. You’ll have ideas and reclaim your love for music and remember that you’ve always been a creative person.

And you will laugh. You’ll laugh loudly and you’ll laugh often! You will feel the magic of having a great SLife deep in your heart. All of this will spill over into all aspects of your life. When times are dark and you have hard things to do when you’re not at the computer, you will be safe in knowing that many people who love you are just a click away. You deserve all this. You will learn to enjoy the adventure. You’ll discover that life doesn’t offer just one choice, but many choices. It doesn’t offer just one chance, but many, many chances. You’ll learn that there is nothing to regret. And you’ll learn…eventually…to just let all of the bad things go.

You’re going to have an amazing time. Good luck!

Love,
Me

You Deserve A Spotlight

Are you someone who likes the spotlight? If you asked me that question, I’d probably say no, but… I don’t know. I think I kinda do.

I think all bloggers do, to an extent. We take our pictures for others to see and hope that our words reach out to someone somewhere. I like DJing because it means I get to share music I like and kind of keep a captive audience if I speak. And let’s face it, I always speak. *laughs* What can I say. I love to perform and I love public speaking. I’m also highly competitive, as my family can tell you from our game nights! So yes… shine that spotlight on me!

I’m actually DJing for a couple of private parties this weekend for the first time in forever. I miss doing it more often in SL but I can’t really commit to a regular set anywhere, unfortunately. I wish that I could. If anyone has a club in SL and needs a sporadic DJ who plays country and top 40 and will probably bring her kids along, hey, I’m your girl! LOL!!

Anyway, it’s SUPER cold here tonight [I’m not ready for this winter life] so it’s time to go get into bed and cuddle up with blankets!

The way you move me, it’s crazy

You know, you’d think after over 4 years together [which is a LIFETIME in SL!], Aldwyn and I would be pretty tired of each other. I mean, we go through times where we can barely see each other because our RL schedules go crazy. Some nights, he’s really busy doing other things and isn’t exactly very exciting in SL. And me? Well… let’s just say he did the guys of the grid a HUGE favor by taking me off the market because I’m really kind of annoying in many ways. *laughs*

But ever since our Grand Canyon date night, we’ve been making sure to make a little more alone time together. We’re always happy when we’re with our girls or the rest of the family, but we really hadn’t made spending time together by ourselves a real priority and that’s really something that needed to change. I think we’ll need to schedule date nights! Gonna get a babysitter for my crazy girls and see what happens. LOL!

We had movie night with the family tonight, and after we came home and we said goodnight to Birdy, we headed up to our little getaway to hang out and talk before we went to sleep. I’m truly lucky.

Just Breathe

I’ve always been a people watcher. I learn more by listening than by talking. I spend a lot of time observing. In SL, much like in RL, we tend to gravitate towards like minded people. Not saying that our friends are exactly like us, but very very rarely will we have close friends who are completely opposite of who we are. When I see people gravitating towards those who habitually cause problems for others, who have no problems trying to turn other people against each other, well… I have to wonder if they are like those people or if they just have really bad luck and choose the wrong people to confide in. I mean, we’ve all been there, right?

I do think that some people have the ability to change, though. I know that’s not an opinion that is shared by many, but it’s what I feel. I know I’m not the person I was a year ago. Or two years ago, or five years ago. And I’m okay with that. I wouldn’t want to be stagnant and luckily for me, my changes seem to be for the better because I have supportive people around me. I think that’s a big deal. If I kept people around me who fed into my worst qualities, I’d be pretty bad off. Because I know my flaws: I can be overly critical. I can be insensitive and cold. If I’m angry, I will find your weak spot and go in for the kill.

Luckily for me, over the past few years I’ve surrounded myself with people who have softened me up a lot. They’ve kept me from becoming the kind of person that I wouldn’t want to be and helped me become a better me.

Now do I think everyone changes for the better? No. Some people don’t. They find others who latch onto their drama and make it worse. And that’s pretty sad.

Anyway, it’s almost 4am and I’m rambling. 🙂 I’ll wake up tomorrow and re-read this and think “What the heck?”

Tonight I was doing a style blog picture while on a skype call that just kind of made me tense. Not the people on the call or anything, but just the topic of conversation. But then I thought, “Just breathe.” It’s what I tell myself when my anxiety is on high alert. Just breathe. Nothing is that bad. I have people who love me, and the ability to meet more people who might possibly be good for me, too. Just breathe.

Day 359 – Quick

Quick blogpost today because I have RL stuff to get to, although I’d almost rather just go back to sleep. 🙂 I stayed up later than I should have last night because we switched to a bigger house and I have this thing about empty rooms. Especially empty rooms where people will be. If a bedroom is empty or something, at least we can close the door. But the downstairs of our new home needed stuff.

Today is the last day of our Heritage trial with Brianna. But we’re not the type to just go into an adoption quickly, so last night I asked if she would be interested in extending her trial with us. We feel that a week long trial is often not enough time, especially when they happen over a holiday weekend. We were all busy with this and that and while we do like Bri a lot, we want to get to know her better. [And we didn’t want what happened to Lolita & Takeo back in December to happen to us!] But of course I told her that if she wasn’t into long trials or if she didn’t feel like we were the family for her, to just let me know. We wouldn’t want her to feel obligated to stick around if she didn’t feel like Aldwyn and I could be her parents. We would all definitely still be her friend. The longer trial period is for her benefit as well as ours. Maybe even more for her benefit than ours in the big picture.

You guys might remember that we had Abby living with us for months before we officially adopted her. We were pretty sure how we felt about her very early on but waited until she was ready again to be adopted. Of course, the circumstances are a bit different in that Abby came to us directly from a family, and Bri has been on her own, but still. I want her to be sure and I want us to be sure.

Of course, being that this has obviously been on my mind for the past week, it has me thinking a lot about family. When do you feel like family with someone? To me it’s not something that can be forced, although I have seen it forced in SL families a lot. The too early “I love yous” and the over familiarity and the quest to be the number one kid in someones’ life. But then again, should you slow your roll when you honestly feel something even if it’s early on in the game?

So much for a “quick” blogpost, right? 🙂